Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
