even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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