btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
