Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
