Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
