I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
