i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
