I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
