my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
