He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
