I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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