I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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