he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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