he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
