my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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