My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
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You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
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lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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