the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
