You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
