No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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