I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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