I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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