My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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