I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
