we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
