why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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