my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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