oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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