is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
