Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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