Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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