I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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