i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
