My friends, they love my intelligence
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
