You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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