Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
