She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
