I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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