I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
