Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
