i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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