Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I touched a dick in church today
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
