I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
