I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
