cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
