i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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