I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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