I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish you could order shots online.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
