i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
