Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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