the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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