what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
