sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
