god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
