I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
