I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
