I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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