Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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