I wish i was in the wii world.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
