Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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