i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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