Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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