Joe is yelling at the trees again.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
