Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
