you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
