I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
