This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
