I cannot find my penis.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
