i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
