Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The power of my boobs compel you
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
